The Webmaster, fabled "helper" from Bungie of old, has returned. Only a year between this episode and the last. Note to new Bungie.net readers: The Webmaster is a cantankerous, beer-addled misfit who wears a gorilla suit and expecting sensible, polite answers from him is akin to gouging out your own eyes with frozen carrots. If you are easily offended, or frankly, if you are difficult to offend, then you should consider leaving now. If you wish, for some bizarre reason to email him, then he can be contacted at: webmaster@bungie.com.
Dear Webmaster,
I have two xbox live accounts: delta 3squad, and alpha 3squad. They have been suspended as far as I can tell, no appaernt reason. I was wondering if you could help me get these accounts unsuspended. When you try to get into the xbox live dashboard it says Important Message and then the message says "this account has been suspended till 12/31/9999". Can you help in any way possible?
Corwin
Dear Corwin,
You have either been the most frightfully naughty Halo 2 player of all time, or you transferred your Live account to an Xbox 360 without adjusting your parental control settings in the 360 Dashboard. Because your previous account had some restrictions set, the 360 has adopted them, along with its own enhanced set. Go to the parental controls preferences, find the Live section and re-enable yourself. You’ll be glad you did.
The only other thing I can think of, is that somehow you found a way to actually pee through Xbox Live. That would of course cause a ban until the year 9999.
Help Me! Hey, all I have is $100 gift card to EB but EB has no hard drives and walmart does! They have 20! Would you want to buy my $100 EB card so I could go to walmart :( I wanna play my halo 2
Jason
Dear Jason,
Now that is what I call self-starting, good old American entrepreneurship. You find yourself with a tricky fiscal problem, and your first idea is to email a drunken gorilla in a cowboy hat. Don’t you have any better financial advisor?
I asked Nintendo who would win in a fight, and they replied with this:
Message(#6851-000484-0220\XXXXXXX)
Hello and thank you for contacting Nintendo,
Samus would win easily. Why? Because Halo is weak. If you would like to discuss your games with other players, I would suggest checking out our forums at http://forums.nintendo.com/nintendo. Here, we have a number of bulletin boards/forums that allow you to post your questions and observations to, as well as participate in our online chats. In order to use these features of our site, you must be a My Nintendo member. For more information on a free My Nintendo membership, please click on the "My Nintendo" link on our main page.
Notice to Newcomers: If you haven't yet posted a message to one of our forums, you will only have access to two of our boards for the first three days. The two boards, Game Play Help for Newcomers and Technical Support, are located in the Nsider Newcomers section. You also need to have over 300 "page views" in our forums, which means viewing new pages, or refreshing the page that you've looked at. After the third day and 300 page views, you will be able to post messages to our other bulletin boards.
Have fun!Nintendo of America Inc.
Anon
Dear Anon,
Oh really? How interesting. Because I have seen Ms. Aran in action, and I certainly don’t remember the Master Chief rolling himself into a ball at the first sign of danger.
Dear U,
“hey i had a question about halo 2 on xbox live i called microsoft up about it and they refered me to u well what i wanted to ask is i had a clan that was a level 19 and i realy wanted it and the only account that was a overlord in it was mine and i cancled it forgeting all about that i wanted to kno if there is any way u can change the overlord over to my other account please respond asap thanks [sic].
Landon
Dear Landon,
Since I cannot parse your sentence for the life of me, I can only conclude that you are asking for punctuation. Please enjoy and utilize the following bonus pack of sentence modifiers and capital letters.
“ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ ………..;:’””(),.”
You’re welcome.
What happened did you get fired or something? if you are reading this I guess not. but there hasn't been any letters since 2004 posted on the website. I actually got some enjoyment various replys youw would make.
I need info on what its like to work at bungie, if you even know. what are wages like (average)? Do people have to wear ties. what are working hours like? do you get paid extra for those 60hr weeks? What kind of benefits do you get? how long are vacations?
need help please!
DeadMan
Dear Dead ,
I’m unfireable. I have tenure. There’s some rumbling in the academic watering holes that Bungie automatically gives tenure to gorillas, but the fact is, I earned it. Unlike the lofty aeries of University life, tenure here can be earned by doing one armed push-ups, or by slamming one’s man-parts in a refrigerator door. I am not saying which of these I did, but I would just like to thank providence for the cooling effects of spilled yoghurt drinks.
Will you say I do? Will you please marry me? Ill rub your back every night... promise.
Mike
Hello Mike,
Thank you for the kind proposal Mike, and while I do desperately need to be burped, I don’t see why I should have to commit to matrimony. Right now, when burped, I produce a pleasant foam, redolent of malt liquor and bananas. Perfumers from some of the world’s most respected couture houses have been, if you’ll pardon the pun, “sniffing around.”
Hey Web Guy,
hey man do you take sujestions i got some really good ones lonley
Dear Lonley,
No. I only volunteer suggestions. I have one for you, but it may not be physically practicable, given the laws of thermodynamics and the relative flexibility of pineapple.
Webmaster Please : Webmaster, I am doubtful that this will ever be taken seriously/ and or actually given to him, but I am a relative of John Butkus. Yeah, yeah anyone could say that, but I know where he comes from. He is lithuanian, like myself. (RESPECT MY AUTHORITA) yeah.I doubt you are on friendly terms with him, or even see him or at all in contact with him at bungie...but tell him an Ausrotas says hi. He may know what im talking about... Whatever, my time wasting is up.Delvier a reply if you feel like it, I could care less.
Brad Dude
Dear Mr. Dude,
Well, it couldn’t be said, in all truth, that I am on friendly terms with anyone at Bungie. As a matter of fact, we have a form of détente in place that I refer to as “dismissive tolerance.” However, specifically in the case of Mr. Butkus, that détente has eroded to a state more aptly named “bubbling hatred.”
Butkus hates gorillas and I hate nimrods. It’s a match made in heaven. Or somewhere pink.
Dear Freak,
Hello. Can you please tell me the manufacturer of the messenger bag shown on the weekly what's-update?
Thank you,Battlesuit
Dear Mr. Battlesuit,
The manufacturer is Ogio. They can be contacted at www.Ogio.com and they do make lovely bags. I need a waterproof one that can hold something about the size, pliancy and weight of a human torso. Let me know what you find there.
Dear Bungi,
Hi again, I realy want a Halo 2 Novel But no one seems to be planing one. If you could by chance tell me if there will be one. If there isn't well you know the old saying 'If you want somthin don you better do your self'. If there is not one commin I've already made a prolouge and a first chapter. Big fan P.S. If you have a slot open for a 12 year old tell me.
Michael O'Connell
Dear Michael,
Actually, not to toot my own horn, but I have a little novel percolating on my desk as we speak. I’m throwing my yellow, foam hat in the ring. Here’s a sample.
“It was a dark and stormy night. Rain fell in torrents in the inky blackness of space. Spattering on the wreckage of the explodifaction of the ruinated Halo installation. The wreckage was lousy with Elite spacemen, who wore galoshes to protect themselves from the space-rain. One of them was a beautiful woman Elite. Her eyes were blue, like the color of the sky. Not the sky right then, which was pitch black thanks to the fact that space is always night time, but blue, like how space might be if it were daytime in space. Which it wasn’t. And it was raining.
She looked across the void, a distance of perhaps twenty light minutes, and saw the most handsome Grunt she’d ever laid eyes on. Certainly he was small, but who wouldn’t be at that distance? She knew right then, that she loved him, and perhaps always had. Space rain spattered on her beautiful mandibles, disguising the lone tear that trickled down her face toward her glistening, gaping maw and her pretty, pretty lipstick.”
Sorry to spoil you with that timorous tidbit (rich truffle though it was) but I can’t simply spew my literary backwash in this primitive forum. To hear more, I suggest keeping a careful eye on the Pulitzer short list next year. Or definitely the year after. Oh and that hack Eric Nylund may do another one this year. You never know.
Can you please answer me? Can you remove the ban, or remove me?
Dear Mike,
If you were banned, then doesn’t that mean that we already removed you? Unless you’re suggesting something more dreadful and permanent. We’re not in the business of murder, my dear fellow, merely the business of character assassination. And we assign you the assignation, “asinine.”
I have a Girlfriend ,
ya i wish lol
this kinda freaks me out a little and i dont even beleve it
sorry since you opened this bulletin you will die at 3 o clock in the morning.
a man will appear at the front of your bed with a knife and will kill
you.
send this in 10 minutes saying "I have a girlfriend" or "I have a boyfriend" and you will live.
and at 2:00 tomorrow the most amazing thing in your life will happen
Antonio Rivera
Dear Antonio,
Oddly enough, this chain mail turned out to be true. To test it, I waited up until 3am in the morning, clutching the coverlet to my chin and in no small distress. Sure enough, at 3am, a killer appeared and did me in! Outrageous! And now I am dead to boot! Please pass this reply on to 50,000 people or you will suffer atrocious gas.
I have nothing against you people or your work. I love Bungie as if they were my X-Box itself. I just have one problem with you guys, and that's Spartan 485.Here's a few things I think you should know (And probably already do...)
1. There were only 150 spartan selections to chose from.2. Only 75 were picked to become spartans.3. Only 30-35 survived the augumentaion to become partial full Spartans.4. Master Cheif is only 117 because he was one of the 150 selected. 5. Only four Sparatans are alive, with the exception for Kelly who is missing. I've got nothing against the creation of 485, I was just wondering how she was number 485. Sincerly,
Phoenix195
Dear Phoenix195,
I have nothing against YOU or your email. I love all our readers as if they were gin. I have just one problem with you and that’s your handle, Phoenix195. here’s a few things I think you should know (and probably already do).
1. Ovid said, “Most beings spring from other individuals; but there is a certain kind which reproduces itself. The Assyrians call it the Phoenix. It does not live on fruit or flowers, but on frankincense and odoriferous gums. When it has lived five hundred years, it builds itself a nest in the branches of an oak, on the top of a palm tree. In this it collects cinnamon and spikenard, and myrrh, and of these materials builds a pile on which it deposits itself, and dying, breathes out its last breath amidst odors. From the body of the parent bird, a young Phoenix issues forth, destined to live as long a life as its predecessor. When this has grown up and gained sufficient strength, it lifts its nest from the tree (its own cradle and its parent's sepulcher), and carries it to the city of Heliopolis in Egypt, and deposits it in the temple of the sun.”
Now – either there is one Phoenix or a multitude (depending on which mythology you subscribe to, and none at all if you’re educated), but since it is self-replicating, the numbering of them (the Phoenixes) seems moot, at the very least. Probably impossibly redundant.
2. Who said that Spartan number designations were consecutive or unbroken?
hey web master can u teel me haw to get mods i have been trying to get them for like a 1year o so pliz write back plizzzzzzzzzS
Jorge Suarez
Dear Jorge,
First, invent a time machine. Done? Good. Now, head back to say, London in 1966. Now, make your way to Carnaby Street. (Take the Bakerloo line to Oxford Circus) and you should find the place is LOUSY with them. If they agree to return to modern day America with you, then you’ll have all the Mods you can handle. Remember, they eat sandwiches, wear pointy Chelsea boots and they can be housetrained with difficulty You may want to consider some Rockers instead.
Is it true that Bungie got its ass handed to it last night in the Humpday Challenge?
Louis
Dear Louis,
I’m afraid those stats came back as “unreliable” so I suppose we shall never know.